‫- PREVIOUSLY ON AWKWARD...
‫- JENNA. ‫IT'S OWEN.
‫YOU HAD NO IDEA I WENT HERE, ‫DID YOU?
‫- IT'S SERGIO. ‫HE IS SUCH AN IDIOT.
‫- OH, MY GOD, ‫YOU LIKE HIM.
‫- I DON'T NEED YOU ‫TO DEFEND ME.
‫- HEY, GABBY. ‫IT'S MATTY.
‫- I KNOW WHO YOU ARE, ‫MCKIBBEN.
‫- * I'M NO GOOD *
‫- I'D COME OVER TO APOLOGIZE,
‫AND I'D ENDED UP SLEEPING ‫WITH OWEN.
‫I JUST HAD AFTERNOON SEX ‫WITH A SOPHOMORE WHOSE LAST NAME
‫I COULDN'T REMEMBER, AND I WAS ‫SURPRISINGLY OKAY WITH IT,
‫BECAUSE I'D HAD FUN.
‫OKAY, YES. ‫OWEN WAS IN ORCHESTRA. SO WHAT?
‫HIS COMPLETE LACK OF EGO ‫COMBINED
‫WITH HIS SELF-CONFIDENCE WAS, ‫WELL, SEXY.
‫OH, GOD, WAS THAT CREEPY ‫TO FIND A SOPHOMORE SEXY?
‫- * BABE, I'M NO GOOD *
‫- I HAD FUN.
‫EARTH TO OWEN.
‫- OH, SORRY, WHAT'D YOU SAY?
‫- ARE YOU ALWAYS THIS ZONED IN ‫WHEN YOU'RE WRITING MUSIC?
‫- ONLY WHEN I'M INSPIRED, ‫AND I'M FEELING VERY INSPIRED.
‫YOU WANT TO HEAR ‫WHAT I'M WORKING ON?
‫I JUST STARTED IT, SO IT'S ‫NOT POLISHED OR ANYTHING.
‫- YEAH, SURE. ‫- YEAH.
‫[plays soft music]
‫*
‫- IT'S AMAZING. ‫- MM.
‫- WHAT'S IT CALLED? ‫- I WAS THINKING FIRST TIME.
‫- PRETTY. ‫HOW'D YOU COME UP WITH THAT?
‫- OH, WELL, YOU KNOW, I THINK ‫THAT ONE JUST CAME TO ME.
‫YOU KNOW, FIRST TIME?
‫[dramatic music]
‫*
‫- SENIOR BONFIRE IS TONIGHT, ‫PEOPLE.
‫SENIOR BONFIRE.
‫HEY, BE THERE. ‫OTHERWISE, UH-OH, UH-OH.
‫KIDDING.
‫BIGGIE?
‫- IT'S WILL, ‫WHEN I'M OUT OF COSTUME ANYWAY.
‫IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN, VAL.
‫- WAIT A SECOND. ‫ARE YOU STALKING ME?
‫LISTEN, I GET IT.
‫I'M AN 11 IN A CITY ‫FULL OF 7s.
‫I GOT THAT JE NE SAIS QUOI,
‫BUT IT'S JUST-- ‫IT'S JUST NOT GONNA WORK.
‫- NOT STALKING, ‫COACHING, ACTUALLY.
‫- OH, REALLY?
‫WAIT, WE DON'T HAVE A SKI TEAM. ‫- SCUBA.
‫WINTER IN THE MOUNTAINS ‫AND SUMMER AT THE BEACH.
‫I'M SAVING UP TO GO ‫TO THE GREAT BARRIER REEF,
‫AND LUCKY FOR ME,
‫PHHS NEEDED A SCUBA COACH ‫THIS SEMESTER.
‫- WELL, GREAT.
‫THAT IS GREAT ‫THAT YOU'RE NOT STALKING ME.
‫I AM SUPER RELIEVED, ‫SO IT'S--
‫WELL, GOOD LUCK, COACH.
‫- THANK YOU.
‫SEE YOU AROUND, VAL.
‫- SENIOR BONFIRE TONIGHT.
‫LET'S SEND THIS FIRST SEMESTER ‫UP IN FLAMES.
‫I CALLED YOU LAST NIGHT TO SEE ‫IF YOU WANTED A PLUS-ONE
‫TO YOUR "EFF YOU, SCU" ‫PITY PARTY,
‫BUT IT WENT STRAIGHT ‫TO VOICE MAIL.
‫I EVEN BOUGHT ‫A PINT OF CHUNKY MONKEY,
‫SO WE COULD OVERINDULGE.
‫- I'D INDULGED, ALL RIGHT,
‫IN BED WITH A SOPHOMORE VIRGIN.
‫JUST STAYED HOME WITH MY MOM.
‫- SENIOR BONFIRE TONIGHT.
‫- THANKS, ALLENTOWN.
‫- ALLENTOWN?
‫- LIKE THE BILLY JOEL SONG?
‫- OR MY SAFETY SCHOOL.
‫DOES PETE THINK I'M DUMB?
‫BECAUSE HE THINKS ‫DEGAS IS A CHEESE.
‫ALLENTOWN, ‫WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?
‫- YOU'VE BEEN CODED.
‫- DUH. ‫- CODED?
‫WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
‫- THE PHONEBOOK.
‫YOU SERIOUSLY DON'T KNOW?
‫- WHY WOULD THEY? ‫THEY'RE BOTTOM-FEEDERS.
‫- CAN YOU CHILL OUT WITH THE ‫HATE-O-RADE AND DECODE THE CODE?
‫- THE GUYS USE AREA CODES
‫TO RATE THE GIRLS ‫THEY HOOK UP WITH.
‫THEY KEEP A HOT-OR-NOT LIST
‫IN A BIG BOOK ‫CALLED THE PHONEBOOK.
‫- I CAN'T BELIEVE ‫YOU GUYS DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT.
‫- WE'RE MICHIGANS, 989.
‫- WELL, WHAT'S ALLENTOWN?
‫484?
‫I DON'T KNOW W.T.F. THIS MEANS, ‫BUT IT CANNOT BE GOOD.
‫- DON'T LET IT BOTHER YOU, T.
‫IT SOUNDS ‫MONUMENTALLY STUPID.
‫- YOU KNOW ‫YOU'RE IN THERE TOO,
‫RIGHT, SUICIDE SALLY? ‫- WHAT?
‫- WE'RE GOING OFF CAMPUS ‫FOR LUNCH.
‫YOU COMING, SNATCHY?
‫- ENJOY YOUR PANIC ATTACKS, ‫SLORES.
‫- DAMN, DOES YOUR SCHOOL ‫PUT SOMETHING IN THE WATER
‫THAT MAKES ALL THE GIRLS HERE ‫SO HOT?
‫- ARE YOU SERIOUSLY CHECKING OUT ‫THOSE SLUNT-BUCKETS
‫RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME?
‫- I WAS JUST TRYING ‫TO GIVE THEM A COMPLIMENT.
‫I THOUGHT ‫THOSE WERE YOUR FRIENDS.
‫- THEY ARE-- ‫THEY'RE ALSO CONNIVING WHORES
‫WHO COME WITH ‫A COMPLEMENTARY SIDE OF HERPES.
‫ENJOY YOUR ITCHY, ‫BURNING PEEN.
‫- DAMN, MUST BE NICE TO BE SO ‫MUCH BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE.
‫- SOMETIMES IT GETS TIRESOME,
‫BUT MOSTLY ‫IT'S PRETTY [bleep] GREAT.
‫- YEAH, ‫THROW IN AN IMMUNITY BOOST.
‫IT'S ON ME.
‫- AN IMMUNITY BOOST? ‫REALLY?
‫- I'M LOVESICK. ‫IT MIGHT BE CONTAGIOUS.
‫- OH, MY GOD. ‫THAT WAS PATHETIC.
‫- IT WAS TOTALLY LAME.
‫HEY, I HAVE THREE MOVES, ‫AND NONE OF THEM WORKED.
‫LOOK, YOU MAKE ME NERVOUS.
‫I WISH YOU'D LET ME TAKE YOU OUT ‫AND PROVE THAT THERE'S WAY MORE
‫TO ME THAN JUST CHEESY, ‫MIDDLE SCHOOL PICKUP LINES.
‫- SEEMS LIKE ‫YOU HAVE FOUR MOVES.
‫MAYBE WE CAN GRAB COFFEE ‫AFTER SCHOOL.
‫- YOU GUYS KNOW WHERE THE BODIES ‫ARE BURIED AND CORPSES REVIVED
‫IN THIS INSTITUTION ‫FOR LOWER LEARNING,
‫SO I KNOW YOU KNOW ‫WHERE THAT PHONEBOOK IS HIDDEN.
‫SO TAKE US TO THE HOLY GRAIL ‫OF DOUCHEDOM, STAT!
‫- BACK OFF, PSYCH WARD BARBIE. ‫YOU'RE OPPRESSIVE.
‫- WHY DO WE GET SUCH A BAD RAP ‫FOR GROPER
‫WHEN STRAIGHT GUYS ‫ARE WAY MORE PERVY?
‫- RATING PEOPLE ‫BEHIND THEIR BACKS IS SO BUSTED.
‫DO IT TO THEIR FACES.
‫IT'S THE ONLY WAY ‫OBJECTIFICATION IS SEXY.
‫- COULD YOU PLEASE JUST SHOW US ‫WHERE THE PHONEBOOK IS?
‫- SORRY, BUT IT IS ‫ONLY ACCESSIBLE
‫TO A SAD SUBSET ‫OF THE PHHS DRONES.
‫- BRAIN-DEAD JOCKS ‫WITH MOB MENTALITY,
‫MOMMY FIXATIONS, ‫AND PERFORMANCE ANXIETIES.
‫WHY DO YOU THINK THEY NEED ‫ALL THOSE BEERS
‫BEFORE THEY CAN SCREW?
‫- I STILL HADN'T TOLD TAMARA ‫ABOUT MY OWN MAN-ANIGANS.
‫KNOWING THAT I TOOK ‫OWEN'S V-CARD
‫HAD REALLY THROWN ME ‫FOR A LOOP.
‫I WAS NOT READY FOR A SERIOUS ‫RELATIONSHIP WITH A SOPHOMORE.
‫- OWEN, JUST THE GUY ‫WE WANTED TO SEE.
‫- I AM? ‫- HE IS?
‫- YEAH, WE NEED ‫A STRAIGHT GUY.
‫WAIT, YOU'RE STRAIGHT, ‫AREN'T YOU?
‫- YEAH, I'M PRETTY SURE. ‫[chuckles]
‫- UH, OWEN, WE NEED TO KNOW ‫WHERE THE PHONEBOOK IS.
‫- WELL, MY MOM KEEPS ‫THE YELLOW PAGES
‫UNDER THE KITCHEN SINK.
‫- THIS IS USELESS.
‫- [whispers] ‫SORRY.
‫- WHAT WE NEED TO FIND IS A JOCK ‫WHO ISN'T A COMPLETE ASS.
‫JAKE, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT ‫A SECRET BOOK THAT JOCKS USE
‫TO RATE THEIR SEXCAPADES?
‫- UGH, YOU KNOW ‫ABOUT THE PHONEBOOK?
‫IT'S A DUMB TRADITION. ‫MEANINGLESS.
‫- YEAH, WELL, WE'RE GONNA NEED ‫YOU TO GET IT FOR US.
‫- DREAM ON, AEROSMITH. ‫I'D GET MY ASS KICKED.
‫- AH, I THOUGHT ‫YOU SAID IT WAS MEANINGLESS.
‫- LOOK, I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU ‫WHERE IT IS,
‫BUT THINK OF A PLACE ‫WHERE NO ONE EVER GOES.
‫COMPLETELY USELESS, ‫OUTDATED, A NO-MAN'S-LAND.
‫THAT'S WHERE I'D HIDE SOMETHING ‫IF I DIDN'T WANT IT FOUND.
‫- WELL, THAT WAS HELPFUL.
‫- HEY, LADIES, JUST DOING ‫A LITTLE BONFIRE RESEARCH
‫IN THE LIBRARY.
‫MAN, IT'S A GHOST TOWN ‫IN THERE.
‫- I'VE GOT IT.
‫- I DON'T UNDERSTAND ‫HOW IT DIDN'T EAT YOU.
‫OH, MS. MARKS, HAVE YOU MET ‫OUR NEW SCUBA COACH?
‫- YEAH, WHY IS HE ‫IN MY OFFICE?
‫- THE SCUBA CENTER ‫HAD TO BE YELLOW-TAPED
‫'CAUSE OF MOLD, ‫SO I TOLD PRINCIPAL COX
‫THAT YOU WOULDN'T MIND ‫SHACKING UP FOR A WHILE.
‫- OH, NO. ‫IMPOSSIBLE.
‫NO, I NEED ALL MY SPACE.
‫IN ADDITION TO SHEPHERDING
‫MY GINORMOUS FLOCK ‫OF LOST LITTLE LAMBS,
‫I'M ALSO OVERSEEING ‫THE SENIOR BONFIRE, SO--
‫- I GET IT.
‫YOU'RE OVERBURDENED, ‫AND YOU'RE UNDERBUDGETED.
‫THAT'S WHY THIS IS PERFECT. ‫WILL CAN HELP.
‫- I'D BE HAPPY TO.
‫YOU KNOW I ONCE BUILT ‫A WARMING HUT
‫OUT OF WET DRIFTWOOD ‫FOR A BUNCH OF MAORIS?
‫I'VE ALWAYS SAID WHERE ‫THERE'S A WILL, THERE'S A WAY.
‫- UGH. ‫- [laughs] HE'S FUNNY.
‫- I THINK ‫WE'RE IN THE RIGHT PLACE.
‫- WHERE'S THE REFERENCE SECTION?
‫- IT'S LIKE OLD-PEOPLE GOOGLE.
‫[gasps] ‫THERE'S THE PHONE BOOKS.
‫- ISN'T IT A LITTLE OBVIOUS? ‫- WELL, THEY'RE JOCKS.
‫LET'S NOT SET THE SUBTLETY BAR ‫TOO HIGH.
‫[gasps] ‫EUREKA.
‫[gasps] ‫O.M.G.
‫I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS ‫DISGUSTING, DESPICABLE DOCUMENT.
‫THIS IS WAR.
‫AND LOOK, THERE'S ‫SOMETHING CALLED A B-SCORE.
‫WHAT IS A B-SCORE?
‫BUOYANCY? ‫BUBBLINESS?
‫B.F.F. POTENTIAL?
‫THAT PATHETIC PUTZ PETE
‫OBVIOUSLY ASSILY ASSESSED ‫MY ASSETS,
‫BUT WHAT JERK HATE-RATED YOU?
‫COLIN?
‫- THAT PHOTO WAS ‫FROM SOPHOMORE YEAR.
‫I'D RECOGNIZE ‫THAT HANDWRITING ANYWHERE.
‫IT WAS MATTY.
‫- YOU CODED ME?
‫- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
‫- THE PHONEBOOK, MATTY. ‫I SAW IT.
‫YOU RATED ME? ‫WERE YOU EVER GONNA TELL ME?
‫- CALM DOWN, IT'S JUST ‫A STUPID JOCK TRADITION.
‫IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.
‫- YOU RATED MY BOOBS AND MY BUTT ‫FOR ALL THOSE GUYS TO SEE,
‫AND IT'S JUST ‫NOT A BIG DEAL?
‫- NO, IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.
‫IT WAS BEFORE WE WERE, ‫YOU KNOW--
‫HEY, AT LEAST YOU GOT ‫A GOOD RATING, RIGHT?
‫- IF YOU THINK ‫THAT'S THE POINT,
‫THEN YOU ARE AN EVEN BIGGER JERK ‫NOW THAN YOU WERE THEN.
‫- YOU KNOW WHAT?
‫THIS IS WHY I DON'T ‫DATE HIGH SCHOOL BOYS.
‫FORGET COFFEE.
‫- IN OTHER NEWS, THE GUYS ‫AT PALOS HILLS
‫ARE DISGUSTING MAN-CHILDREN
‫WHO USE A SECRET BOOK ‫TO RATE GIRLS' BODIES.
‫- DON'T FORGET B-SCORE--
‫HOW MANY BEERS ‫IT'D TAKE TO BONE YOU.
‫- ONE OF OUR MALE CLASSMATES ‫WROTE THIS NASTY-GRAM
‫ABOUT A POOR JANE DOE-N'T.
‫NEW YORK, 212.
‫NOT EVEN A BUTTERFACE ‫BECAUSE THIS HEIFER
‫HAS THUNDER THIGHS ‫AND SAGGY UDDERS.
‫women: OHH.
‫- LADIES, FEEL FREE TO RATE ‫THEIR KINDNESS AND COMPASSION.
‫AND WHY DON'T YOU RATE THEIR ‫FUGLY FACES WHILE YOU'RE AT IT?
‫WE DON'T NEED TO TAKE ‫THE HIGH ROAD.
‫WE JUST NEED TO RUN ‫THESE BUTTHOLES OFF THE ROAD...
‫- BEEP, BEEP.
‫- AND INTO THE GUTTER ‫WHERE THEY BELONG! NO!
‫[beep]
‫- HEY, BEAUTIFUL. ‫- BEAUTIFUL?
‫IT WAS A LITTLE MUCH,
‫BUT I'D RATHER BE CALLED ‫BEAUTIFUL THAN ST. LOUIS.
‫- I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THE SONG
‫I STARTED YESTERDAY.
‫YOU WANT TO HEAR?
‫- ACTUALLY, ‫NOW'S NOT A GOOD TIME.
‫IN FACT, CAN WE KEEP ‫THIS WHOLE THING ON THE D.L.?
‫IT'S JUST, THIS RATINGS THING ‫HAS TAMARA SORT OF
‫ANTI-ALL GUY RIGHT NOW, ‫AND I'M TRYING TO, YOU KNOW,
‫SHOW SOME GIRL SOLIDARITY.
‫- OH, IS THAT WHY ‫YOU WERE SO WEIRD EARLIER?
‫GOD, I WAS WORRIED THE WHOLE ‫VIRGIN THING FREAKED YOU OUT.
‫- OH, NO, NO. ‫- NO, I GET IT.
‫MY LIPS ARE SEALED.
‫- I'LL BE TAKING THIS ‫FOR SAFEKEEPING.
‫OOH, FIVE BEERS, OUCH.
‫- PRINCIPAL COX ‫SERIOUSLY NEEDS TO CHANGE
‫HIS DEFINITION OF FEMINISM.
‫CAN YOU--OWEN?
‫- HEY, TAMARA,
‫I, UM, GOT ROPED INTO PLAYING ‫AT THE BONFIRE TONIGHT.
‫YEAH, THEY SAID ‫YOU WANTED FIGHT SONGS?
‫- YOU'RE GOING ‫TO THE BONFIRE?
‫- YEAH, I END UP PLAYING IN ALL ‫OF THESE OTHER LAME GROUPS
‫'CAUSE I PLAY DIFFERENT ‫INSTRUMENTS AND STUFF, SO--
‫- DON'T BE SO MODEST.
‫OWEN'S A RINGER, AND YES,
‫I WANT MUSIC THAT EVOKES BLOOD ‫AND BATTLE AND BEATINGS.
‫DO YOU KNOW SOMETHING ‫THAT SOUNDS LIKE
‫BALLS BEING RIPPED OFF,
‫LIKE, FROM THE ROOT OR WHATEVER ‫THEY'RE ATTACHED WITH?
‫O.M.G. ‫OWEN'S A TERRIBLE LIAR.
‫HE OBVIOUSLY HAS A THING ‫FOR ME.
‫AND, YOU KNOW, ‫SINCE HIS GROWTH SPURT,
‫HE'S ACTUALLY BECOME ‫KIND OF A HOTTIE WITH A BODY.
‫- MY SECRET WAS GETTING MESSIER ‫BY THE MOMENT.
‫IT WAS TIME TO COME CLEAN.
‫TAMARA WOULD NEVER JUDGE ‫MY SOPHOMORIC SEX LIFE.
‫- TOO BAD HITTING THAT ‫WOULD BE A ONE-WAY TICKET
‫TO COUGAR TOWN.
‫- "HEY, GANG, ‫ANYONE UP FOR PIZZA?"
‫I CAN'T BELIEVE MATTY THINKS ‫HE CAN JUST TEXT ME LIKE THAT
‫AND EVERYTHING ‫WILL BE ALL RIGHT.
‫- SPEAKING OF ‫MAKING THINGS RIGHT,
‫I MADE A DUDE DATABASE ‫WITH EVERY GUY
‫AT PHHS'S PROFILE PIC.
‫I'M GONNA HATE-RATE THE [bleep] ‫OUT OF THESE JOCK-OFFS
‫STARTING WITH PETE.
‫#NOTHINGUPSTAIRS.
‫- #NOTHINGDOWNSTAIRS?
‫- #BRILLZ.
‫- NOT ONLY DID MATTY REFUSE ‫TO DESTROY THE PHONEBOOK,
‫HE DIDN'T EVEN SEEM ‫TO UNDERSTAND
‫WHY IT WAS SO HURTFUL,
‫AND UNTIL HE COULD BE ‫A FRIEND TO ME,
‫I DIDN'T WANT TO BE A FRIEND ‫TO HIM.
‫- * SOMEDAY WON'T HOLD ME DOWN *
‫- WELCOME TO THE SENIOR BONFIRE, ‫HIGH SCHOOL OLDIES.
‫THE REAL BONFIRE, THAT IS,
‫NOT THAT STUPID PILE ‫OF LINCOLN LOGS OVER THERE.
‫THIS PARTY IS ‫ABOUT TO BE EN FUEGO.
‫[all cheering]
‫- * LA LA LA LA LA
‫- SERIOUSLY? ‫UNFRIENDED ME?
‫- WELL, APPARENTLY, ‫ALL I AM TO YOU IS A NUMBER.
‫- THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
‫IT'S JUST SOME STUPID BOOK ‫I HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT
‫SINCE SOCCER HAZING.
‫- WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD,
‫BECAUSE BEING RATED ST. LOUIS ‫BY A GUY I THOUGHT
‫CARED ABOUT ME ‫IS SOMETHING I'LL NEVER FORGET.
‫- I CAN'T BELIEVE ‫RAJ RATED ME.
‫HAVE YOU SEEN ‫HIS SKINNY CHICKEN LEGS?
‫- #CHICKENLEGS.
‫- SOMEONE MADE A DUDE DATABASE
‫TO GET BACK ‫AT THOSE BEEF JERKIES.
‫IT'S BEEN LIKE CHAPSTICK ‫TO MY POOR, BLISTERED EGO.
‫HERE, SEE FOR YOURSELVES.
‫[all chuckle]
‫- WHAT, YOU DIDN'T SEE ENOUGH ‫OF MY HOT FRIENDS AT LUNCH?
‫- THOSE SHRINK-WRAP BLONDIES?
‫RELAX, SADITA, ‫THOSE GIRLS ARE SIXES AT BEST.
‫- I'M SORRY, ‫ARE YOU RATING THEM?
‫- WHAT? YOU'RE A 9. ‫A 9 1/2 EVEN.
‫I LIKE MY WOMEN ‫TALL AND CURVY.
‫- AND I LIKE MY MEN TALL, ‫WELL-MANNERED, AND LITERATE.
‫YOU KNOW, NOTHING LIKE YOU.
‫- JESUS, WHAT HAS YOU ‫SO TWISTED?
‫IT'S LIKE ANYTHING I SAY ‫YOU FIGURE OUT
‫HOW TO TURN INTO A SLAM. ‫- I KNOW.
‫I'M REALLY TALENTED.
‫- AND A LITTLE TOO INSECURE ‫SOMETIMES.
‫- LO SIENTO.
‫YOU'RE SO PERFECT.
‫- THANK YOU GUYS FOR COMING.
‫SENIORS, THIS IS ‫OUR LAST BONFIRE, SO ENJOY IT.
‫EVEN THOUGH 50% OF OUR CLASS ‫DOESN'T DESERVE TO LIVE,
‫WE CAN STILL ‫ALL HAVE A GOOD TIME.
‫AND THE ONLY NUMBERS ‫YOU'LL BE HEARING TONIGHT
‫ARE MUSICAL ONES, ‫SO TAKE IT AWAY
‫BEFORE I SAY ‫WHAT I'M REALLY THINKING.
‫[rock music]
‫*
‫- THE MUSIC SOUNDED FAMILIAR, ‫AND THEN I REALIZED IT WAS
‫ANOTHER VERSION OF FIRST TIME, ‫AND OWEN'S SWEET SERENADE
‫MADE THE BITTER PILL ‫OF MATTY'S BAD BEHAVIOR
‫THAT MUCH HARDER TO SWALLOW.
‫- WHAT? ‫THE PHONEBOOK'S SO BAD,
‫THEY'D RATHER FREEZE ‫THAN BE NEAR US?
‫IT'S A RITE OF PASSAGE. ‫EVERYONE DOES IT.
‫- I DIDN'T.
‫THE WHOLE THING'S ‫REALLY MESSED UP.
‫- IT'S JUST A JOKE.
‫- DUDE, ‫I HAVE A LITTLE SISTER,
‫AND I WOULD KILL SOMEONE ‫IF THEY RATED HER,
‫AND BE HONEST--WHAT IF ‫SOMEONE ELSE HAD RATED JENNA?
‫- IT'S JUST--I-- ‫LOOK.
‫I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT HER ‫LIKE THAT SOPHOMORE YEAR.
‫SHE WAS JUST THIS REALLY ‫AWESOME, SECRET BOOTY CALL,
‫NOT, I DON'T KNOW, ‫A REAL PERSON AT FIRST.
‫- YOU LOOK COLD. ‫TAKE MY COAT.
‫- I'M FINE.
‫- WHY ARE YOU ‫PUSHING ME AWAY, HUH?
‫YOU WON'T EVEN TAKE MY COAT?
‫- MAYBE I DON'T WANT ‫TO SULLY IT
‫WITH ALL MY DEEP-SEATED ‫INSECURITIES.
‫- SADIE, I'M SORRY. ‫I DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE--
‫- CONGRATU-[bleep]-LATIONS, ‫SERGIO, YOU'RE RIGHT.
‫I AM REALLY UNHAPPY ‫SOMETIMES.
‫YOUR MOTHER WORRIES ‫THAT YOU'LL STARVE TO DEATH
‫WITHOUT HER TAMALES.
‫MY MOTHER USED TO SCRAPE FOOD ‫INTO THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL,
‫SO I WOULDN'T EAT IT.
‫- YOUR MOM SOUNDS CRAZY.
‫I WANT YOU.
‫- FOR WHAT?
‫A GROPE IN THE SAUSAGE TRUCK,
‫SO YOU CAN TELL ‫ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS
‫THAT YOU GOT MY HOT STUFF ‫ALL UP IN YOUR FACE?
‫- WHOA, CALIENTE, WHO WOULD WORK ‫THIS HARD FOR JUST A GROPE?
‫- ALL MEN ARE DOUCHE NUTS.
‫- NOT ALL. ‫- YEAH?
‫WHY SHOULD I BELIEVE THAT?
‫- BECAUSE IT'S TRUE, ‫BUT YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME
‫A REAL CHANCE TO FIND OUT.
‫[gentle music]
‫- [vocalizing]
‫*
‫- DUDE, WHAT THE HELL ‫ARE YOU DOING?
‫- HEY, EVERYONE.
‫HI.
‫I WANT TO APOLOGIZE ‫TO ALL THE GIRLS IN HERE,
‫BUT ESPECIALLY TO ALL THE GIRLS ‫THAT I CODED.
‫NO ONE DESERVES TO BE TREATED ‫LIKE THEY'RE JUST A NUMBER.
‫JUST A DUMB TRADITION.
‫A REALLY [bleep] DUMB ONE.
‫all: OHH. ‫- BUT--
‫- MATTY'S GESTURE ‫WAS ALMOST HEROIC,
‫AND I WANTED TO LET HIM KNOW,
‫BUT GABBY BEAT ME TO IT.
‫- WOW, MCKIBBEN,
‫I GUESS YOU'RE NOT ‫100% DOUCHE BAG AFTER ALL.
‫- EH, NO MORE THAN 35%.
‫[both chuckle]
‫[Another Day by Carousel]
‫- GOOD MOVE, WHALE RIDER, ‫YOU LEFT OUR OFFICE UNLOCKED,
‫AND NOW THE PHONEBOOK ‫IS GONE FOREVER.
‫- I'M SORRY, VAL.
‫- YOU SHOULD BE. ‫I STILL HAD 30 PAGES TO READ.
‫PLUS, THE BONFIRE WAS MY THING
‫BEFORE YOU CAME ALONG ‫AND STOLE MY FIRE, LITERALLY.
‫- I KNOW.
‫MAYBE I WAS TRYING ‫TO IMPRESS YOU.
‫MAYBE I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GET ‫YOU OUT OF MY HEAD SINCE WE MET,
‫AND OKAY, MAYBE I AM ‫STALKING YOU A LITTLE.
‫- REALLY? ‫- REALLY, REALLY.
‫BUT I'M GONNA STAY ‫OUT OF YOUR WAY.
‫IN FACT, ‫I'VE ALREADY VOLUNTEERED
‫FOR A DIFFERENT SCHOOL ACTIVITY.
‫- * OH, YOU GOT ME FEELING
‫* YOU'RE STARTING *
‫- OLD HABITS, YOU KNOW?
‫- * ON YOUR WAY
‫* OH, YOU GOT ME FEELING ‫I WANNA STAY *
‫- BIGGIE-- ‫WILL, WAIT.
‫- * I WANNA STAY ANOTHER DAY
‫*
‫- THANK YOU ‫FOR LIGHTING MY FIRE.
‫*
‫UM, CAN YOU JUST ‫PUT THE HEAD ON?
‫- JENNA, HEY, DID YOU-- ‫DID YOU LIKE THE PIECE?
‫- IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
‫- GOOD.
‫- YOU ARE SO TALENTED.
‫OWEN, I CAN'T DATE YOU.
‫I NEVER WOULD'VE SLEPT ‫WITH YOU
‫IF I'D HAVE KNOWN ‫IT WAS YOUR FIRST TIME.
‫HEY, I'M A SENIOR.
‫I'M NOT LOOKING ‫FOR ANYTHING SERIOUS.
‫YOU DESERVE TO BE WITH SOMEBODY ‫WHO CAN EXPERIENCE
‫ALL THOSE FIRSTS WITH YOU ‫IN A REAL RELATIONSHIP.
‫- [scoffs]
‫I'M SUCH AN IDIOT TO THINK
‫THAT YOU COULD ACTUALLY BE ‫INTO ME.
‫I MEAN, YOU'RE LIKE ‫THIS SUPER-HOT GIRL,
‫AND I'M KRYPTONITE ‫TO HOT GIRLS.
‫- OH, NO, NO, NO.
‫YOU'RE REALLY SWEET ‫AND FUNNY
‫AND INTELLIGENT ‫AND SO TALENTED AND CUTE.
‫LOTS OF GIRLS ‫THINK YOU'RE CUTE.
‫TAMARA JUST SAID SO TODAY.
‫- THANKS, YOU KNOW, ‫BUT I'LL SEE YOU AROUND, OKAY?
‫- OWEN MIGHT BE HURTING,
‫BUT I KNEW I'D FINALLY DONE ‫THE RIGHT THING.
‫MY MORAL COMPASS ‫WAS POINTING NORTH,
‫AND IT TURNS OUT, ‫MATTY MCKIBBEN WAS ACTUALLY
‫A PRETTY GREAT FRIEND.
‫[computer chiming]
‫I MAY HAVE CLOSED THE LID ‫ON THE MATTY DRAMA,
‫BUT I'D OPENED A PANDORA'S BOX ‫OF HASHTAG HATING.
‫THE DUDE DATABASE ‫WAS GOING VIRAL,
‫AND THE BALANCE OF POWER ‫HAD DEFINITELY SHIFTED
‫FROM THE GUYS TO THE GIRLS.
‫AND IF ANYONE FOUND OUT ‫I WAS PARTLY RESPONSIBLE,
‫I'D BE #TOAST.
‫- NEXT ON AWKWARD... ‫- IF YOU EVER TELL ANYONE THIS,
‫I WILL GOUGE OUT YOUR EYES ‫WITH MY THUMBS.
‫- THE DUDE DATABASE ‫HAS GONE FULL-ON VIRAL.
‫DID OWEN JUST KISS YOUR CHEEK? ‫- WHAT? NO.
‫- GAME IS THE OPERATIVE WORD ‫HERE, PLAYER.
‫- W--
‫- WHEN I DON'T ANSWER MY PHONE,
‫IT'S 'CAUSE I DON'T WANT ‫TO TALK TO YOU.